A Brief History of the Romans

I didn't post anything yesterday, because I didn't do anything but read, sleep and hang out. It was great. Today: On a down note, I was supposed to meet Katie Couric, but a botched communication meant her tour didn't come up to the office, which was sad. On an up note I visited a part of the museum I hadn't seen today, and went to Saint John Lateran, the last of the four Papal basilicas, and Santa Croce in Gerusalemme, which contains relics of Jesus' cross. In the gallery of the museum, which housed ancient stuff (ie Romans) I ran into a butt I thought I recognized:

Now this statue is in a restricted section, not available to the public, so I had to flash my badge and then they let me in to see the front of the statue, although it's face and front I already know really well:

That's the real Augustus Prima Porta, arguably the most famous depiction of Augustus Caesar. #woah Now, for us Classics nerds, this is a really big deal and many scholars would give anything to spend some time with this statue. For the rest of you, the name might be familiar and not much else, which prompts me to give you the long promised history of the Romans. Long ago, (when I was in Albania) my mother cautioned me against using detailed terms, since I was using lingo that my readers didn't know. I promised to give a brief rundown of the history of the Romans, so that we're all on the same page, and so without further ado, here it is. Keep in mind, I would be banned and kicked out of the Notre Dame Classics department and club for simplifying things this much, but let's hope no one is reading this (if either Professor Mazurek is, hi Professor!). Without further ado:

Skip the first bit when Rome was ruled by kings. Yeah it's important, and maybe we'll come back to it, but the real good stuff comes around 100 BCE with the birth of Julius Caesar, who, for whatever reason, is better known than Octavian (thanks Shakespeare). During Caesar's youth, Rome is in political turmoil as the republic is beginning to fall apart. Different demagogues are running around with armies, the senate is rampant with corruption, and the man with the biggest sword rules the state. Caesar simplifies matters when he comes to power, by dividing all the military and governmental power three ways (forming the triumvirate), between himself, Pompey the Great and guy A (his name is actually Crassus, but as with all big threes, only two are really important). Caesar takes his armies, and after winning victories in Gaul (France) makes his way North through Western France and eventually into Britain. Pompey, in the meantime, works his way East and fights battles against Greece, Northern Africa and the east coast of the Mediterranean, including eliminating all pirates from the Mediterranean in less than a year. Guy A (Crassus), seeking to keep himself relevant, fights his own battle in the east against the Parthians, and gets himself and all of his soldiers killed, disgracing the Romans.

This simplifies power even further, as Caesar controls the East and Pompey the West (this schism starts even earlier, but start to notice the split between Eastern and Western world, and realize that the church is going to split along these same lines several hundred years later) and both want more. Caesar makes his way back to Rome, and is ordered to disband his army, which he promptly refuses, instead choosing to take all his loyal troops and march on the city of Rome. Pompey rushes to meet him, and then realizes that his goose is cooked, and flees to Egypt, seeking refuge. Caesar pursues him, only to be presented with Pompey's head, courtesy of the Egyptian Pharaoh, Ptolemy, on a silver platter upon his arrival. Caesar then helps Ptolemy's wife, Elizabeth Taylor, overthrow her husband and take command of Egypt. Caesar of course solidifies his allegiance with Egypt, if you know what I mean, and then returns to Rome, declaring himself perpetual dictator for good measure. Surprisingly, this doesn't sit well with the Roman senate, who still think they have power, and they flex their muscles by cowardly having 20+ men surround and stab Caesar. Caesar dies, naming his adoptive nephew, an 18 year old named Octavian, as his heir.

This 18 year old proves to be dangerous. He rises from the ashes of his adoptive father's ashes (figuratively) and works to hunt down the assassins, with the help of Mark Antony, a notorious playboy. They kill the assassins and then decide that since the three man power struggle worked so well before, that it was best to try it again. They met to divide power between Octavian, Mark Antony and Guy B (again, Lepidus, but he's really not important). Octavian gets the West, Mark Antony the East and Lepidus Africa minus Egypt. Of course, Octavian gets fed up with Antony, and decides command would be easier if he was in charge of the entire empire. He meets Elizabeth Taylor and Mark Antony in a naval battle, and wipes the floor with them (courtesy of Agrippa, the unsung hero of Augustus' reign. This man was the military brains for all of Augustus' victories, yet never sought more power than being the second in command. Agrippa gets to build the Pantheon, so at least he gets that), forcing Mark Antony to flee to Egypt, with Cleopatra following close behind. There, they both commit suicide, simplifying the power struggle to Octavian against Guy B (Lepidus). Lepidus decides that he would really prefer Love to War, and quietly takes himself to a small town in Africa, where he lives off his wealth and dies of old age, quite a feat during this time period.

Octavian returns to Rome and now has the serious conundrum of running an empire, torn apart by civil war and stretching from southern England to Egypt. In his first move, he weeds out the senate and reforms the workings of Rome as a city and Rome as an empire. The rest of his rule is detailed changes to policies. Basically, he rules for 41 years until his death in 14 CE. During his time in power, he reforms how Rome operates, he recaptures the standards lost by Guy A in his war against the Parthians, solidifies all borders, makes the north safer, makes everyone rich, rebuilds Rome (city of brick to city of marble) and lays the foundations for the Roman principate, so called because the ruler was called princeps, a title used to refer to a seemingly humble senator who was one among equals. He also earns the title Augustus, a title that would come to be associated with all future emperors, regardless of how great they actually were. In truth, Augustus was a dictator (some Classicists fight this opinion) and only his decisions really counted. The only reason that Rome survived post 1 CE was because of the reforms of Augustus. A similar reform is needed of the United States government, but that's a discussion for another day. I've written several papers on Augustus and different aspects of his reign, so if there's any interest in reading those I can provide them. For more info, I'll include some basic links to stuff on Augustus.

This is the most important: http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/ancient/14resgestae.asp
This link is the Res Gestae, a self written laundry list of all Augustus did during his reign. Really impressive. 

This is the wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Augustus
Good for a general, but more specific, detail of what I described. Scholars dislike the idea of using wikipedia, but if some body is going to give up time out of their life to write a fake article on Augustus, which would be taken down within a day or two, then good for them. I trust wikipedia for a basic outline of history.

Hope you've enjoyed this, and if you have any questions or need clarification drop me an email or a comment. Hope to see you tomorrow!